Staying True to Yourself

We live in an age of compromise.  We’ve learned  to be practical and to make concessions — not a bad thing. But there are times when compromise becomes a trap. It becomes a rationale for doing what is convenient, comfortable, and expedient at the cost of our integrity. “Let’s compromise” can at times become a rallying cry for pushing aside our values, abandoning our aspirations, and denying our very well being. It happens incrementally and often in the heat of organizational turbulence when our focus is on simply surviving.

In Standing in the Fire I wrote about the importance of “knowing what you stand for” as a way to locate your clarity and courage when you most need it.  Recently Elizabeth Doty has written an exquisite book called The Compromise Trap: How to Thrive at Work Without Selling Your Soul. Doty provides six personal foundations that enable you to stay true to yourself. Each of these foundations is brought to life through stories of leaders who have struggled with and overcome the compromise trap.

One of my favorite chapters describes ten misconceptions about compromise. Here are five of my favorites:

1. Compromise is always healthy

2. Good companies don’t create unhealthy pressure

3. You have to go along to survive

4. You’ll always know if you’re crossing a line

5. Refusing to compromise means fighting back

Have you felt pressured to “play by the rules” in ways that undermined your integrity?  If you lead in high-heat situations the answer is probably “yes, on an ongoing basis.”  Here’s a good place to begin if you want to reaffirm your personal compass and reclaim your integrity  – take Doty’s Personal Foundations Diagnostic. It’s free and takes just 15 minutes to complete.

Making Peace Our Purpose

Purpose matters. Like a personal gyroscope, clarity about and commitment to a guiding intention in the heat of challenging interactions gives us a way to keep the ground underneath our feet even as others are being swept away in the heat of the moment.

I’m reading Getting to Peace by William Ury who writes in his introduction:

Never before in human evolution have people faced the challenge of living in a single community with billions of other human beings. Anthropologists have identified more than fifteen thousand distinct ethnic groups on the planet. Far from bringing a lessening of conflict, the ingathering means, in the short run at least, a heightening of hostilities as people are forced to confront their differences, as jealousies and resentments over inequities flair up, and as identities are threatened by different customs and beliefs. Coming together can produce more heat than light, more conflict than understanding,..

One can either read this with a sense of fear or hopelessness, believing that our human nature dooms us to continued cycles of war and suffering. But for me it reads like a call to purpose — to explore new ways of thinking and seeing that open up new paths for collaboration.

Every time we take our seats at the table — in every interaction casual or formal — we can be the ones who transform heat into light. We can learn to  draw on the creative qualities of group fire in service of peace.

Questions that Awaken and Inspire

I’ve been thinking about the past year and reflecting on some of the questions that have been guiding me and others with whom I’ve spoken.  I wanted to share some of these questions as an offering and invitation. As Peter Block says, “Good questions work on us. We don’t work on them.”

I can’t remember a year in which so many people I know experienced so much suffering — loss of jobs and homes, illness, death of loved ones, and anxiety about what’s next for their lives and for the planet.  This is a time when it would be so easy to assume a scarcity-based mindset — “I don’t have enough time, money, energy… I am not getting my share… I am not enough.”  But what I mostly encounter in my circle of friends, clients and colleagues is hope, generosity, optimism and a sense of resoluteness about making a contribution in the world. Question: In the face of very real pain and anxieties what are the most life-affirming choices I can make about how I see and think about my current situation?

2009 certainly was not the year I thought it would be. My recession-imposed sabbatical (translation: significant downturn in client work) meant that I have had more discretionary time (though it was always discretionary) and less money flowing into my life. I had the time to do some pro bono work with not-for-profit organizations I care about, including 1% for the Planet, the Central Conference of American Rabbis, and Reading Village.  The gratitude, learning, and fulfillment I have gotten from working with these organizations has been immeasurable. Question: In any given moment, what is the gift I am prepared offer?

In 2009 I dedicated myself more seriously to writing about my work. I wrote a second book that I’m really excited to share with you. It’s entitled Standing in the Fire: Leading High-Heat Meetings with Clarity, Calm, and Courage. It will be out in March, 2010.  I’ve also been writing a blog called Gatherings: Insights about Collaboration and Leadership.  I hope you’ll find them both of value.  Question: When do I lose my voice or disappear and for what purpose am I prepared to be seen and to lend my voice?

I’ve also taken some time this past year to think about my consulting practice, what I say “yes” and “no” to, and the implications of each of those responses. There have been moments over the course of my career when I have felt that the way money was flowing into my life was disconnected with my values. These days I find the choices about who I work with and how I work more consistently guided by this question:  On balance am I fostering health and wholeness for me, my clients, society, and the planet?

These are not easy questions to answer. But I have enjoyed allowing these questions to “work on me.”  And as they do,  I find myself looking toward the new year with a greater sense of clarity and courage — combined with a healthy dose of humility.  May you find the questions that  awaken and inspire the best parts of you in 2010.

Weaving Social Fabric

You never know what might come of an introduction.  I have always believed that the way we connect the people in our lives with one another creates valuable outcomes that can’t be predicted. It’s definitely more art and intuition than science.

A few years ago my 80-plus year old Aunt Bee was attending a play at her local theatre in Ventura, California and struck up a conversation with a woman seated next to her. The woman was on her way to Guatemala to take a post with the US State Department.  My aunt is no shrinking violet and told the woman about Reading Village, the NGO my wife founded to promote children’s literacy in rural Guatemala. (Lesson 1: Interesting people are all around us — get to know them!)

Over the years my wife and I became friendly with the woman from the grocery line and she introduced us to some of her colleagues at the State Department in Guatemala City. In turn, we introduced some of our Guatemalan friends to these folks, including our buddy, Jorge Chojolan. Jorge is Guatemala’s first Ashoka Fellow, recognized for creating the Asturias Academy, one of the country’s most innovative schools. (Lesson 2: Introduce people not based on what they can do for each other but on the amount of mutual inspiration you believe the relationship will generate.)

Last week Jorge wrote to me and mentioned he had been really stressed out. Apparently, corrupt government officials had attempted to extort him and the school. As the weeks went on he feared the school would lose its license.  In a last ditch effort, Jorge called one of our friends at the State Department, who in turn called the Guatemalan Ministry of Education. And suddenly, the problem was fixed… (Lesson 3:  Generosity flows naturally from relationships that generate inspiration)

How we connect the people in our life is a creative endeavor — like weaving a social fabric. We choose which threads will intersect and where those intersections might create the most beauty.  The master weaver in this story is of course my aunt Bee who was delighted but not at all surprised to learn that she had saved an entire school thousands of miles from her local theatre. Who will you weave together today?

Fewer Meetings, More Gatherings

In Peter Block’s most recent book entitled Community: The Structure of Belonging he makes a lovely distinction. He writes about the word “gatherings” –

“…the word has more significance than what we think of as just a meeting. The fact is that most people do not even like meetings and for good reason. They are mostly designed to produce just talk. They either review the past or embody the belief that better planning, better managing or more measurement and prediction can create an alternative future. Every gathering or meeting is an opportunity to deepen accountability and commitment through engagement.”

It strikes me that most of us recognize the difference between a standard meeting versus a gathering in which we feel truly engaged. When we are engaged we feel it in our bodies. We are physically and mentally leaning in. We are using our voice to convey important truths and listening intently to make sense of what others are saying. When we are engaged, the questions being asked matter and we believe that those asking the questions care about our response.

We want and need a lot more “gatherings” in our families, organizations, and communities. And to accomplish this we need leaders who are skilled conveners — people who are prepared to name the really compelling questions, extend authentic invitations, and host the kinds of give and take conversations that change minds and move hearts.