For a long time I believed that the key to resolving a difficult conflict was to help the disputants arrive at logical conclusions to which they could agree. I tried to help people think their way through differences and negotiate compromise based on a rational definition of fairness. Over the years I have come to appreciate the role of heart skills — our capacity acknowledge and address the emotional dimension of the conflict in an authentic and non-manipulative way.
I can remember learning this lesson when I was facilitating a meeting between farmers and farm workers in the state of Washington. The goal of the meeting was to create a plan for newly funded farm worker housing. But within the first five minutes old battles, lingering resentments, and name-calling ensued. The long-festering bitterness in people’s hearts made it impossible to proceed with the agenda. I called for a break and when we reconvened I asked farmers and farm workers to pair up and discuss two simple questions: 1) What makes you proud about producing food for others? 2) Can you tell me a story about when it meant a lot to have a house in your life? After about 10 minutes you could literally feel the shift in the room. Through the stories being told, self-proclaimed adversaries were discovering their shared human connection. As hearts opened so did the possibility for getting something done that day.
One of the best teachers on heart opening skills is Ken Cloke, an author, mediator, and attorney. Ken’s perspective is that we who convene high-heat meetings must learn to be vulnerable and self-aware. In his recent article in ACResolution Magazine Ken offers a number of strategies for mediating from the heart. Among these strategies is to begin the meeting with questions and invitations that go directly to the heart. Here are some of the questions Ken offers:
Why are you here? Why do you care? What did it take for you to come here today?
What kind of relationship would you like to have with each other? Why?
What life experiences have led you to feel so strongly about this issue?
What role have you played in this conflict, either through action or inaction?
What would you most like to hear her say to you right now? What would this mean to you?
What would change in your life if you reached an agreement?
When intense emotions fill the room we often want to take the safe route, pretending the feelings aren’t there or maintaining a superficial frame on the conflict. It’s only when we bring empathy, heart-piercing questions, and and a willingness to move to the deeper levels that we become true catalysts for transformation.
I’ve written a lot about compassion and empathy as leadership capacities — particularly in high-stakes, polarized, high-emotion situations.
Ever wonder how we humans developed the capacity for empathy? Got ten minutes? Bestselling author, political adviser and social and ethical prophet Jeremy Rifkin investigates the evolution of empathy and the profound ways that it has shaped our development and our society.
Jeremy takes us through the neuroscience of empathy, developmental psychology, and social evolution in this insightful animated piece.
During the course of challenging collaborations facilitators and facilitative leaders become easy targets. We can become the screen onto which people project their fears, angers and biases. And those projections can range in form from direct attack to thinly veiled insult.
Recently I facilitated a meeting involving participants with an intense history of conflict and disrespect. As I proposed a set of ground rules for the meeting, one participant reacted to my use of the term “speak your truth.” The participant told me that it sounded like I was a therapist. A few minutes later this same person commented to another participant in a very loud voice, “This guy talks like some sort of bullshit group therapist.”
In the moment I treated the comment as a request to offer more accessible language and I did my best to avoid getting derailed by what I believe was intended to be a pretty public insult (no offense to therapists). I also decided that the participant’s inflammatory comment was an expression of vulnerability and fear. I told myself it wasn’t personal.
All that said, when the meeting concluded I was feeling a bit injured – embarrassed by the public insult (and the validity of the participant’s criticism) and by the intensity of the hostility directed toward me. It’s one thing to contain our defensiveness during the meeting and choose to not take things personally but it’s another thing to walk out of the meeting and really let go of any residual anger or injury.
In my book, Standing in the Fire I call this process leaving the meeting behind. I’ve written about various personal practices I use after a meeting, including a “cleansing ritual” and “using the journey home” in a productive way. Recently I discovered an on-line “letting go ritual” developed by the Fetzer Institute’s Campaign for Love and Forgiveness. I encourage you to give it a test drive.
As facilitators we need to be mindful of not allowing hurt and resentment from previous meetings to accompany us into future meetings. I encourage you to develop (and share below) your own practices for leaving the meeting behind.
Today an important global effort was launched and I want to make sure you know about it. The Charter for Compassion aims to restore not only compassionate thinking but, more importantly, compassionate action to the center of religious, moral and political life. Compassion is the conscious determination to put ourselves in the shoes of the other and to reduce suffering in the world.
Compassion is at the heart of all religious and ethical systems…The Charter for Compassion is not simply a statement of principle; it is above all a summons to creative, practical and sustained action to meet the political, moral, religious, social and cultural problems of our time.
Proposed by world religions scholar Karen Armstrong when she won the TED Prize in 2008, it has inspired thousands of people to contribute their ideas to the process. A Council of Conscience, a multi-faith, multi-national group of religious thinkers and leaders, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Tariq Ramadan, and David Saperstein, reviewed all the contributions to craft the final Charter.
If you are interested in exploring how you might more fully embody compassion on a daily basis, the spirituality practice website offers a really rich set of resources. Check some of them out:
23 best films depicting compassion with links to our full reviews and reviews of many other films touching on compassion.
people and projects aimed at making compassion and forgiveness part of everyday community life sponsored by the Fetzer Institute.
Every minute of every day is an opportunity to stand with a wide open heart, whether you are sitting in traffic or leading a difficult deliberation process. I’ve realized that this work must begin with me learning to be more gentle with myself – - less blaming, judgmental and aggressive as I encounter my many imperfections and vulnerabilities.
which they could agree. I tried to help people think their way through differences and negotiate compromise based on a rational definition of fairness. Over the years I have come to appreciate the role of heart skills — our capacity acknowledge and address the emotional dimension of the conflict in an authentic and non-manipulative way.
Group Fire, compassion | Larry Dressler August 13, 2010 | 
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Today an important global effort was launched and I want to make sure you know about it. 